Six Months and eight days have past.

Six months and eight days, I still have a hard time believing that this is all real. So many things have changed. This time last year I would never have thought that this would be life right now, I could never have imagined. There are things that are important to Cam that you have been unable to attend in person at least, his graduation from kindergarten, his basketball games, his t-ball games, after his first game he told me how proud you would have been of him. This past week he attended golf camp, which I must say only four days of practice and I was amazed at how well he did and how much he loves it. He is too cute, our little golfer! He said when he's twelve he's gonna beat Tiger Woods, he's not gonna know what hit him! Such confidence, I wonder where he gets that from, Daddy!!

He is still in counseling, I think it helps, he opens up a little more every time, except for when he just doesn't want to talk, and he has his days, his moments, he just misses you terribly. I wish I could flip a switch and stop his pain, I wish I could say the right words to end his suffering. I wish we could take back time, and you be here with him again.

There are so many things I want to talk to you about, so many answers that I am searching for, so many things that i do not understand.

I learned tonight that to help Cam understand and help him cope, I too have to let go, stop trying to find answers, stop trying to understand and just accept that this happened. My heart, my mind is doing everything that I know to do for Cam and everything that the counselor has advised me to do, but my gut will not let go, there is somethings I just do not understand and I need the answers.

These roads that we are now traveling, I know have been traveled by thousands, but when you are the one that is following the path, you feel as if you are the only one, the only one to ever feel this pain to feel the pain for yourself is one thing, but to feel it for your child knowing that no matter what you say, it doesn't make it better it's this over whelming feeling of helplessness, he's hurting and I can't fix it. Cam losing his Daddy, is the worst thing I have had to face in life as his mother, I thought explaining to him why we got divorced was tough, now it holds no comparison. I have a lot of questions that I will face and a lot of answers that will be given, I only hope that I answer the way you would want me to.

I hope one day these roads are less traveled,

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

Thank you to all my friends and family that read these, I appreciate the support and care that you show. These blogs are for my venting purposes, and sometimes help me feel a little better to just write it out, and get the emotions out.

MMoss