My heart is on my sleeve

So tomorrow we celebrate Camden's seventh birthday. As exciting of a day it is, and I am so excited about it, I can't help but have the feeling of sadness knowing that he will want his daddy to be there with him as well. I wish that I could give him his daddy back, I wish I could heal his pain.
Nine months have past, and I still find it hard to believe that this has happened, I find it hard to understand how such a tragic event could have taken place in my families life, my son's life. This is not fair. Seven years ago, this is not the life that Justin and I had planned for Cam. I feel like he was cheated, he was dealt a bad hand, I don't get it. I understand that he is not the first child to loose a parent and certainly(unfortunately) will not be the last, but he's my son, and for seven years I've have spent my life doing everything to protect him from everything, I just never imagined that it would be something so tragic that would bring me to the understanding that I cannot protect him from everything.
I hope that he feels his fathers presence tomorrow, I hope that he hears his voice in his head saying I love you, I hope that he knows his daddy is there to celebrate with him, and knows how proud his daddy is of him.

Justin, we all miss you so much, and think of you every day, we love you!

Copy writed! Dear God can't you see

I wrote this poem 3 years ago, but it in some ways applies to my feelings at the moment. Today is Justin 28th birthday, and him not being here with us is very hard, and I hope one day that Cam will be able to look at this poem and remember that GOD is powerful, and he takes the feelings of being alone away and helps us understand that we are NEVER alone, and when we hurt he hurts with us, when we cry it's his shoulder that we lean on.

Dear God Can’t You See

I took a walk one night

to clear my mind;

When I realized I hadn’t that

much time;

I looked at my watch

and to my fear, it really

seemed like the end was near;

I rushed home just as fast as

I could slipped into the room

and alone I stood;

To my surprise the room was

bare, no blankets, no bed, not even

my chair;

I rubbed my eyes in shock to see

that what once was us

was now just me;

I fell to the floor in my own

misery and screamed out loud

Dear God Can’t You See?

I cannot be alone in my slumber of thoughts

I need someone home, a protector, a guider, or even a boss.

Yes, that is it that is my last request.

Your wish is granted I heard him say but

this is your last chance, I am afraid;

It was repeated for me to understand

just as the time before I made my demand;

Still I felt the time coming near, and continued

to live everyday in fear;

I waited at night until the house got quite,

got down on my knees,

looked up at the sky and shouted

Dear God Can’t You See?

I am not ready to go and be on my own

I need you beside me to guide me.

Take my troubles, my pain and sins,

keep me believing long after the end.

After the end of this earth as we know it.

Long after the battle we’ll win and we show it.

Keep me believing to preach your word

to souls that are lost, like I once was.

Fore, Dear God Can’t You See?

I am a child of your word,

Your love and Your blood.

I was once lost, but now I am found,

I speak your name and I am proud,

I look to the sky and see the glory

And I thank you Lord for making my heart

Pure and Holy.

By M. Moss

July 28, 2005

I would greatly appreciate it, if viewer's would respect this poem for what it is, and not attempt to use as their own!

Six Months and eight days have past.

Six months and eight days, I still have a hard time believing that this is all real. So many things have changed. This time last year I would never have thought that this would be life right now, I could never have imagined. There are things that are important to Cam that you have been unable to attend in person at least, his graduation from kindergarten, his basketball games, his t-ball games, after his first game he told me how proud you would have been of him. This past week he attended golf camp, which I must say only four days of practice and I was amazed at how well he did and how much he loves it. He is too cute, our little golfer! He said when he's twelve he's gonna beat Tiger Woods, he's not gonna know what hit him! Such confidence, I wonder where he gets that from, Daddy!!

He is still in counseling, I think it helps, he opens up a little more every time, except for when he just doesn't want to talk, and he has his days, his moments, he just misses you terribly. I wish I could flip a switch and stop his pain, I wish I could say the right words to end his suffering. I wish we could take back time, and you be here with him again.

There are so many things I want to talk to you about, so many answers that I am searching for, so many things that i do not understand.

I learned tonight that to help Cam understand and help him cope, I too have to let go, stop trying to find answers, stop trying to understand and just accept that this happened. My heart, my mind is doing everything that I know to do for Cam and everything that the counselor has advised me to do, but my gut will not let go, there is somethings I just do not understand and I need the answers.

These roads that we are now traveling, I know have been traveled by thousands, but when you are the one that is following the path, you feel as if you are the only one, the only one to ever feel this pain to feel the pain for yourself is one thing, but to feel it for your child knowing that no matter what you say, it doesn't make it better it's this over whelming feeling of helplessness, he's hurting and I can't fix it. Cam losing his Daddy, is the worst thing I have had to face in life as his mother, I thought explaining to him why we got divorced was tough, now it holds no comparison. I have a lot of questions that I will face and a lot of answers that will be given, I only hope that I answer the way you would want me to.

I hope one day these roads are less traveled,

I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

Thank you to all my friends and family that read these, I appreciate the support and care that you show. These blogs are for my venting purposes, and sometimes help me feel a little better to just write it out, and get the emotions out.

MMoss

Jus I need to talk to you.

Jus,

It's been five months and twelve days, I still can not believe it. Everyone says in time things get better, it doesn't feel that way. You know Camden talks about you everyday, not a days goes that he doesn't say something about you. He misses you so much, he needs you. I wish that I could wake from this dream and life would be normal for him again.
I promise that he will never forget you, I promise to always remind him that he has the best daddy in the world, and just because he can no longer see or touch you, not to forget that you are always with him, always loving him, and will always be there when he needs you the most.
The past five months have been very difficult. Trying to think of ways to explain things to him, before he even ask, I think that I have probably thought of a million things he might ask, i want to be prepared, I don't want to stumble over words, and make him second guess what I tell him, I want my answers to be enough for him to where as he doesn't have to wonder.
I want him to have you back, to tell ya the truth. This sucks, his life was not supposed to be this difficult, this is not what we had planned for him, we both have dreams for our son, and this was not it. I just can't believe it, five months, five months that he has missed with you, he really needed those five months with you.